I REALLY should not have had all those M&M's. Now I am wired! No sleep for awhile.
Tonight was a good night at the crisis pregnancy center. It is always a joy to get opportunities to hold or see a baby and help a mom pick out baby clothes. Sometimes I get to join a mom in an ultrasound and see her baby on the screen.....that too, is also a joy the majority of the time. The best part is when the Holy Spirit is present in the room and "stuff" happens. What "stuff"? I really cannot explain it in the human terms. I could try but really, only God knows what truly transpires in those little rooms.
This is hard to admit but even after 10 years of doing this I still get a feeling of apprehension on the day I go in to the cpc. In the beginning year(s?), my stomach rumbled a few days leading up to the day of volunteering. The feelings ranged from fear of doing or saying the wrong thing, not being able to remember pertinent things to say ("Ohhhh.....I should have said this or that!), and then concern about meeting up with the hardest of hearts (what if I go blank and have NO answer?).
Also in the early years, I was pretty green at sharing the Gospel. It was not anything my former church really emphasized. I was not raised to pray out loud nor pray for someone out loud! I was "cured" of that one day when I failed to say one thing to one client about the Gospel and it was the fear of man rather than having the fear of God that took over. All the way home, I felt convicted and apologized to God. I felt terrible for days. The lesson learned was that anyone I shared the Gospel with was not rejecting me, they were rejecting God. While I hate to see anyone reject God, it is important to remember that I am to be obedient and share His good news. It is the Great Commission. They have the choice to listen or not or accept it or not.
These are growing moments. Have I said the wrong thing? Have I done the wrong thing? Yes. I have made mistakes (WINCE) and I will probably bungle it again. At times, I am just not eloquent at all; it is downright clunky in delivery. The point is to be obedient even if I dread the idea of making mistakes or I get fearful. Then it is just a time to dust off and keep moving on. I pray to God before I meet with each client. The prayer is for me to just get out of His way, to just see my client the way He sees her and to just give me the words to share His message of eternal life. God is SO good!
At the beginning of this blog, I shared that I felt fear at times. As a young Christian, I had to learn that the spirit of fear does not come from God. It still happens but now I recognize where it comes from and it helps me call on God for help. It is different now. While I do lean on Him more now, things have shifted. I do not have the same concerns now. I do not fear about going blank. Nor do I worry about forgetting things because my trust is that God will fill in the blank spots and make me recall to memory what needs to be said. When the Holy Spirit is in control, you just recognize that there was a good reason why some things were said and others were not. Grace.
The term apprehension is more apt now because it is more wariness than abject fear. The wariness is the recognition of my weakness that manifests in many different ways. It is the recognition that I need a guard on my mouth, my thoughts and my heart. It is the awareness that I sometimes seek glory and seek personal ambition. I may get filled with pride (dangerous territory). I now know that I must take every thought captive, especially on one particular stretch of road that leads to the crisis pregnancy center! Why? 1 Peter 5:8-9 has warned me to "Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. Resist him, steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same sufferings are experienced by your brotherhood in the world."
That roaring lion was after me one particular day. On the way to the cpc, I was thinking about how tired I was and about the thousands of things I needed to do at home. I loved being there....but why did it have to be THIS Thursday? It morphed into thinking "well, you aren't that effective there anyway". Not that I would turn around and go home because that just would not happen. However, the thoughts were going down a very negative road. As I sat at the stoplight waiting to turn down the street to the final destination, I was struck! What? Those thoughts are from the pit of Hell. All those negative thoughts were from the Enemy! Then I apologized to God and thought, "HOW could I have allowed those thoughts to sneak in like that?" The best part of this is that the rest of that night was beautiful. God healed a very downcast woman who had faced a lot of abuse. That lie Satan told me at the stoplight was mixed with a little truth. He said I wasn't effective. That part was right. I am not but with the Holy Spirit, I am.
That was not that long ago. Maybe it was two years ago. In addition to the negative thought or two, that particular stretch of road has been used to get my temper and worry up through rude drivers and unexpected construction sites making me tardy. Usually it is very subtle and I know Satan is studying me to try to devour me. He has many devices and schemes. I just have to keep my eyes on Jesus and stay steadfast in the faith. That is where the fear leaves. It is that trust and faith that He has my back and that He is going to use everything for His purpose. I just want to serve Him with a cheeful heart and to divine His word rightly.
We have a lot of difficult moments there at the cpc. It is just hard to see the consequences of sin so
plainly displayed. We see it passed down through the generations. We see broken down relationships mostly stemming from sexual immorality. The situations are often very big messes. When the clients are hungering for truth and are receptive to the hope of Jesus Christ, we see miracles take place. That is why is it so important to stamp out the fear and to be obedient in sharing the Gospel. It is exciting to see a client essentially say "The abuse/bad behavior stops here and now". They may say, "I am not falling for any more lies of the Devil." It really does happen. Transformation really does take place. This transcends Olympic gold medal moments. No, I have never been awarded a gold medal (I am an armchair athlete) but James 5:3 tells us about what happens to gold and silver!
It is late and I do not finish these little blog entries all that smoothly. In fact, maybe I can just blame my meanderings on the late hour. There is the temptation to just end it all abruptly. You all are smart readers and you get the point by now. Maybe some of you can relate to what I have shared tonight. My Christian journey is like my pro-life journey, long and arduous! I think I am soooooooo smart and then I am shown how duped I have been by the lies. At this point in my life, I just shrug and try to have a sense of humor about it all. Okay, folks, it is time for me to go to bed. As my husband says, "stick a fork in me, I am DONE!" or....I am history...I am in the archives!
Okay! One more thing. Seriously......pray for all the crisis pregnancy centers! Pray for their volunteers, their clients, their buildings and their material resources. Thank you!